Rewind the Years
by EstellaDoreaBlack
Summary: Set during "Timeless." Chakotay reflects on the only woman he ever really loved. Songfic. J/C.


**Rewind the Years**

**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it, it's not mine. The lyrics to "Rewind the Years" belong to the wonderful Shawn Mullins.

_**Summer nights  
Lakewood heights  
By the lake  
In your daddy's car  
In your daddy's car  
Ferris wheels  
Kisses to steal  
And the radio  
Playin' Ebb Tide  
Playin' Ebb Tide**_

He remembers his time on New Earth. It was the most peaceful he's ever been. Being alone, with her, was in some ways a dream come true.

He remembers the day when she finally stopped hunting for a way out, and began to accept their situation. It might have been the happiest day of his life. When they'd discussed their camping trip, a plan had begun to form in his mind. On the last night before their return, he'd ask her to marry him.

He'd never gotten that chance. The discovery of a cure had stopped his plan cold. Once he was back on _Voyager_, he'd never felt comfortable enough to do it. He wishes now that he had. Why had he waited until it was too late?

_**Now the days get old  
And the nights are so cold  
And I still hear your voice  
Singing sweet songs  
And I fight back my tears  
Try and rewind the years  
And that's all I can do  
Now that you're gone**_

When the news came that_ Voyager_ was missing, presumed destroyed, it had nearly killed him. The thought that she had finally accomplished the one thing she'd wanted for the past five years, only to die before she saw the fruits of her labor, was unbearable. The only thing that could come close to that level of pain was when Starfleet gave up the search.

He can still hear her voice, her laughter, the way she said his name, the sharp edge that came into her voice when she was angry, the quiet, determined way she spoke when she'd made up her mind. Not a day goes by he doesn't miss her. Not a night goes by that he doesn't dream of her.

_**Black and gray  
Led me astray  
And the deepest love  
Behind your sad eyes  
Behind your sad eyes**_

He remembers the day she got the letter telling her her fiance had married someone else. He'd felt sympathy, as a friend should. But underlying that had been joy. Pure, unadulterated joy that he couldn't suppress. She was no longer bound to another man.

He'd waited, trying to give her time to get over Mark. He'd told himself it was the right thing to do. But now he realizes he again waited too long. He'd had another chance, and he blew that one too. That chance had been his last.

_**I was wrong  
And you played along  
You followed me  
Into the sea  
Into the sea**_

Why had she trusted him? Why had she put so much faith in their plan? If she'd just realized the danger, if she'd just called the whole thing off, they would've been fine. They would have remained trapped in the Delta Quadrant, but that no longer seemed half as bad as it had when it had been the case. He'd take a life in the Delta Quadrant with her over a life in the Alpha Quadrant without her any day.

He'd made a mistake. And over a hundred people had paid with their lives. But it's one in particular that won't leave his mind. The face of a woman with auburn hair and gray eyes haunts his every moment.

_**Now the days get old  
And the nights are so cold  
And I still hear your voice  
Singing sweet songs  
Singing sweet songs  
And I fight back my tears  
Try and rewind the years  
And that's all I can do  
Now that you're gone**_

He kneels beside the frozen body, tears streaming down his face. She's so still, so quiet, so cold. In this moment, he's forced to accept that she's really gone. And it's no easier than it would have been fifteen years ago.

The garbled recording of her last message almost breaks him. For a moment he wants to die with her. It would be so simple just to put his phaser to his head, to lie down next to her and die in the arms of the woman he's loved from the first moment he laid eyes on her.

The only thing that makes him keep going is the knowledge that if his and Harry's plan succeeds, some version of him will have her back. He bends over and kisses the cold, still lips.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway," he whispers.

_**Since you've been gone  
I can't find reason  
Lord, can't seem to find my way  
With the changing of the seasons  
It just a-faded away**_

What La Forge can't understand is that his life means nothing to him. It ended the day _Voyager_ crashed and killed her captain. Every breath he takes now is pointless. His only purpose in life is to erase the last fifteen years.

_**The days get old  
And the nights are so cold  
And I still hear your voice  
Singing sweet songs  
Singing sweet  
Singing sweet songs  
And I fight back my tears  
Try and rewind the years  
And that's all I can do  
Now that you're gone  
Now that you're gone**_

"Seven, six, five, four, three, two -"

"YES!" Harry Kim's voice drowns out the countdown on the computer. For the first time in fifteen years, Chakotay feels truly alive. Even as the warp core breaches, as the explosion rips through his body, his heart sings. They've done it. They've turned back the clock. _Voyager_ will survive.

As he dies, he has only one thought.

_I love you, Kathryn Janeway.  
_

**Please review.**

**This idea popped up out of nowhere while I was listening to "Rewind the Years". I just watched "Timeless" yesterday, so that might have had something to do with it.**

**3/20/11: A reviewer just pointed out that it's Ebb Tide, not Ed Tide. Sorry about that. The mistake has been fixed.  
**


End file.
